So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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