My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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