Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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