ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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