This house was built for laser tag.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
