Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
