the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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