After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
