i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
