I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
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