She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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