If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
