When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Blood and glitter go together right?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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