There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
