be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
