Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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