Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
