before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
