Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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