Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
And then he peed in my hair
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