Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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