About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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