Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
