Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
