I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
