i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
