i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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