someone threw a dead crab at me
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
