is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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