Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The struggles of a small town man whore
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
