Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
