You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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