Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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