Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
