He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
