i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
