Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
