What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
