2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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