how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
