The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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