if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
