i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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