Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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