New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
