Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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