I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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