The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So many bounce houses so little time
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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