you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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