Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
