just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
