Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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