I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She's like a pop up book from hell.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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