I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
